REMEMBERING
Today is a tough day for me. This morning I was remided of the reality of my situation. Last week on this day, I and many other EMS husbands and wives woke up to the reminder that at any moment our world, our children's world, can be rocked in a way we can't fix. We as an EMS family lost 3 of our own and the life of the person they were trying to save went down with them. I was a witness to the moment family and superiors got the news at Christmas party for these heros. My husband and I sitting together in silence and aching for those families. We left the party early knowing there wasn't anything we could do. My husband knew one of the men on board personally and it hit him pretty hard. We walked past the sea of tears and the faces of shock and I had a very distinct feeling, a knowing, that I was passing through my biggest fear and my very worst nightmare.
Growing up, as a daughter of a correctional officer, I knew the drill. My father had been threatened several times and had been on numerous State forest fires with his crew. Some seasons this was hightened but I was very aware that at any time two officers in dress uniform could come to my house. If I was to see them at the door I was to grab my younger brother and sister and take them to the back of the house and keep them back there. I wasn't to explain the severity of the situation but knew what those men meant and I was to keep a good face on till my mother came back there. I knew the life that these spouses live. A single parent atmosphere most of the time then trying to integrate their husband and wives back into the family every couple days, for only a couple days, then lose them for half a week again. Tired and weary from doing life alone, frustrated that they are having to catch the spouse up and figure out what that spouse was up to family time wise. "I'm exhausted, I can't keep doing this alone, he needs to help." At the same time knowing they have worked that last four days for 12 to 24 hrs shifts at a time and they too are exhausted. Then the sinking reality comes in...."I should be glad he came home at all." Growing up my grandfather was a Fresno Fire Captain, my uncle was with Fresno PD and my father a Peace officer for the state. I had seen this life play over and over. I didn't want this life. I promised myself I would not put myself or my children through this life.
The truth is these men and women, EMS, FIRE, OFFICERS, these very real life HEROS, sometimes don't come home. Sometimes that face at the door you assume would be your spouse is really their coworker with weary red eyes and a shaking bottom lip. These are not your heros from the comic books. They do not get back up every time. These heros are not the ones from the story books, the good guy doesn't always win. No, these heros are better. They see the threat and truly risk their lives for another. You can say that last weeks helicopter crash was a fluke, it almost never happens. You can say that their lives are more at risk because an air craft was involved but this is simply not true. We live in a world with human beings, who make mistakes and in high stress situations the risk is higher. My husband, who is a paramedic on a unit on the ground, was twice this month sent to the door of an active robbery with no police on scene because the dispatcher didn't get the correct information from the caller who can't think clearly because they are in a panic. I won't forget to mention a time not so long ago, when he was in the back of a unit alone riding to the hospital with an unrestrained man, who was being put on a phyciatric hold by police and covered in knives shoulders to shins because the very weary police officer on scene forgot to pat him down. If that man couldn't have killed him the look on the nurses face who he was handing him off to could have. In both instances he had no knowlege of the danger he was walking into. We understand that it's cases like these, that are not uncommon, that put his life at even a greater risk, yet he still goes, and I still send him with a kiss and a prayer because people need help and he really is one of the best people for the job.
I have put myself and my children in the same position I swore I never would. I have chosen to live this life with my husband. After being married and having two small children, when he came to me to tell me that this is what he wanted to do with his life, I could have just walked away. I didn't. My love for him and my faith that God has a plan keeps me here. My faith in God's plan is realistic. It is not so blind that I send him out "knowing" God will bring that hero with deep wise eyes and a joy filled smile back to me. I send him knowing that today could be the day he doesnt make it home and if that's the case God will walk me through it. Notice I didn't use the religious "carry me through it " phrase because "carry" implies that he will lift you up and make it easy and what those wives and children are going through right now is SO far from easy. I pray for them, I pray for us and I ask that if you've read this you take a moment to thank these real living HEROS. Do not forget your E.M.T's and Paramedics when you talk about the cities heros. Don't just look for black, red and green when you hear the sirens and look to see if you can just "go real quick". Look for the men and women in white too, who's lives are just at risk and are here to serve you. As for those families of the fallen three who are living my biggest fear, my worst nightmare, I am so sorry it was you. Thank you for your sacrifice, it's simply not fair. For those who faced this reality head on and still go out there, thank you. And for those at home sending them off....I am with you.
