Monday, October 24, 2011
I love you, Mommy......
The moment those words leave their lips, my heart bursts into a thousand pieces and fills my entire body with joy. Sure they can repeat it but when they say it, on their own with no prompting just because they do; there's no other feeling in the world like it. I am in love with my children and the fact that at this moment, while they are small, they love me too, it's unmeasurable. I keep those words locked in my heart. When they are teenagers, burdened with parents who love them, I will take that moment out and savor it again, if only to remind myself that I am the luckiest person alive to have them. "I love you, Mommy..."
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Fear.....of getting old?!!!
I'm a Christian.....I'm a Christian.......I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to be afraid of getting old. Mark Twain said
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter"
Today when the Optometrist smiles at me and says "You didn't have this problem 4 years ago when I saw you....." the joke of I must be getting old came to mind. (I'm sure it came to his mind as well considering that smirk he had on his face when he said it...) Of course, it's fun and games till I get to the car and mull it over a bit. wow, maybe I am getting old. It was with this single thought that I felt this gut fear take hold of my soul. Paralyzing me for a moment until I realized my husband was beside me and if he finds out I'm thinking this he'll never let me live it down. However, for that moment, a rock hit my gut. The feeling where you can actually feel fear fly through your body like electricity. Why am I afraid of getting old? It's not the gray, I'm kinda excited to see what that looks like. Is it the weakness, the fading of my looks? Maybe it's the creepy spots you get on your skin, or maybe the history of family aging illnesses that could take hold of me. No, I'm not afraid of getting old.
I'm afraid of Death.
There it was; I'm getting older which means I'm getting closer to dying. I'm going to die. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but I can see now....soon it will happen. I'm going to have to leave my kids. I won't be able to watch over them and be there for them always. Hopefully I leave after my husband because Lord knows he won't be able to live without all of this! [points to self, smirks and gives small laugh] I will miss out on everything that happens after I'm gone. No more breathing the mountain air, no more smelling the salty sea. No more holding my family close and feeling them up against me. I'm getting old, and I'm basically one foot in the grave. After I get my glasses tomorrow I should just go start plot shopping and picking out my casket......
WHEW!!! Now that the melodramatics are over! lol I'm 30 and 3/4 years old. Why in the world did I ever fear. Even at 90, I am a believer, I am a daughter of the Lord most high. Of what should I be afraid. When I cry out, does he not hear me? When I am done here, is it not his arms I get to run to? {Side note} Do you think anyone dies, falls into the arms of Jesus and cries...."but I wasn't done yet...." Not to say they aren't happy and grateful to be in his arms but as a mother I have to imagine maybe a soul or two, who were leaving little ones behind, crying out to him, "but what about my babies?" (quick prayer that God never has me experience such a thing, that I may find out) Maybe in such an instance you might grieve a little but fear......No. To fear death, I found, would be to say that what Jesus did on that cross was for nothing. The bible said he not only died to break the power of sin but also to break those of us who are afraid of death itself.
14 Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— 15 and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. 16 For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham’s descendants.
I refuse to fear this, getting old and dying. I am not old and I know this is all silly. However, as I age, as I need glasses, as my injury recovery time widens, I will not fear. I will "own" these glasses, future gray hair and the walker that I will surely put handle bar streamers and a bike horn on. If I give you nothing more, let me leave you with this quote....
"Never fear growing old, there are many who have never had the privilege." Unknown
May I grow so old that I am good and ready to go home.
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter"
Today when the Optometrist smiles at me and says "You didn't have this problem 4 years ago when I saw you....." the joke of I must be getting old came to mind. (I'm sure it came to his mind as well considering that smirk he had on his face when he said it...) Of course, it's fun and games till I get to the car and mull it over a bit. wow, maybe I am getting old. It was with this single thought that I felt this gut fear take hold of my soul. Paralyzing me for a moment until I realized my husband was beside me and if he finds out I'm thinking this he'll never let me live it down. However, for that moment, a rock hit my gut. The feeling where you can actually feel fear fly through your body like electricity. Why am I afraid of getting old? It's not the gray, I'm kinda excited to see what that looks like. Is it the weakness, the fading of my looks? Maybe it's the creepy spots you get on your skin, or maybe the history of family aging illnesses that could take hold of me. No, I'm not afraid of getting old.
I'm afraid of Death.
There it was; I'm getting older which means I'm getting closer to dying. I'm going to die. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but I can see now....soon it will happen. I'm going to have to leave my kids. I won't be able to watch over them and be there for them always. Hopefully I leave after my husband because Lord knows he won't be able to live without all of this! [points to self, smirks and gives small laugh] I will miss out on everything that happens after I'm gone. No more breathing the mountain air, no more smelling the salty sea. No more holding my family close and feeling them up against me. I'm getting old, and I'm basically one foot in the grave. After I get my glasses tomorrow I should just go start plot shopping and picking out my casket......
WHEW!!! Now that the melodramatics are over! lol I'm 30 and 3/4 years old. Why in the world did I ever fear. Even at 90, I am a believer, I am a daughter of the Lord most high. Of what should I be afraid. When I cry out, does he not hear me? When I am done here, is it not his arms I get to run to? {Side note} Do you think anyone dies, falls into the arms of Jesus and cries...."but I wasn't done yet...." Not to say they aren't happy and grateful to be in his arms but as a mother I have to imagine maybe a soul or two, who were leaving little ones behind, crying out to him, "but what about my babies?" (quick prayer that God never has me experience such a thing, that I may find out) Maybe in such an instance you might grieve a little but fear......No. To fear death, I found, would be to say that what Jesus did on that cross was for nothing. The bible said he not only died to break the power of sin but also to break those of us who are afraid of death itself.
Hebrews 2:14-16
New International Version (NIV)
14 Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— 15 and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. 16 For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham’s descendants.
I refuse to fear this, getting old and dying. I am not old and I know this is all silly. However, as I age, as I need glasses, as my injury recovery time widens, I will not fear. I will "own" these glasses, future gray hair and the walker that I will surely put handle bar streamers and a bike horn on. If I give you nothing more, let me leave you with this quote....
"Never fear growing old, there are many who have never had the privilege." Unknown
May I grow so old that I am good and ready to go home.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Forgivness...
Why is it that something that happened so long ago can still affect you? Especially if you have forgiveness for such a thing. What is forgiveness, anyway. Being able to be around the person who hurt you without wanting to hurt them back? Going Further and being able to look at that person with love in your heart for them? Or is Forgiveness being able to live your life, knowing what happened, and not have it affect you. If it affects you, can you truly have forgiven?
Wow, deep subject! Is that necessary at 2am?? Well, if you must know I watched a movie with my husband that brought up several old deep wounds and of course got me thinking. Now as I have said they were deep and yes they are sad but I will not make you suffer the details as it's not necessary. Now as this did not affect my husband he of course was able to sleep in peace while I am stuck awake and shaken....which of course brings me to drag all of you into this. Why wouldn't you wake your husband and talk to him about your heart and how it affected you, you ask?? Because, he's asleep, and doesn't get much of it and then we'd both be up which will make us both exhausted tomorrow and you know what?! Why do I have to explain myself to you?! Do you want to know what I think or not?! Man! Okay, now that I need to forgive you for being judgmental and prying lets get back to searching Forgiveness shall we?! ......lol
Okay, so we all know the Bible says to forgive others....
Matthew 6:14
14 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
We are to forgive like he forgives us....got it....so how did he do it???
I ran across this verse in Acts that got me thinking....
Acts 13:38-39 38 Therefore let it be known to you, brethren, that through this Man is preached to you the forgiveness of sins; 39 and by Him everyone who believes is justified from all things from which you could not be justified by the law of Moses.
The word Justified stuck out at me....so of course I went to the dictionary to get the "meanings" of Justified. The first meaning says
"1. To demonstrate or prove to be just, right, or valid:"
This would mean that I would make in my mind the person who wronged me "just, right or valid" Now although they are valid, I can't say they were "just" or "right" in what they did right?? On to meaning two then!
"2. To declare free of blame; absolve"
Depending on the person and act, this can be done....It's not their fault, they had it done to them. It's not their fault, they had a rough childhood. It's not their fault, they were "sick". It's not their fault, they didn't know any better; and so many others we can think of. However, they had free will right? Didn't they "choose" to do this which would make my hurts their blame? (I suppose this would be a good choice for defining forgiveness, right?) Never the less, on to definition three.
"3. To free (a human) of the guilt and penalty attached to grievous sin. Used of God."
(Now the last two have to do with the law and one says something about spaces and printing.... don't belive me?! look it up...seriously!)
Back to definition three. Freeing the person to not have the umbrella of their wrongs hovering over them. This I feel I've done. In my heart of course as it isn't something I can exactly go and talk to the wrong doers about. I can forgive and pray that God releases them of it and brings them peace. That they won't have to be reminded of it. However, they are human, as am I. Eventually something will come up and remind our fleshly brains that this occurred. What do we do then?
I guess this is where we say, we don't need Jesus for the specific moment where sin occurred. We need him for the reminders, we must forgive like he does which begs us to think. He is the God of all time. He must remember the wounds we inflicted on him when he forgives us over the same sin time and time again. And in my case, I have to admit that it's only the memory causing the pain, not the wrong doers repeatedly preforming the act. And there it is...... What a God I have to release me when my sin is repetitive. Not only does he "free me of guilt and penalty". Not only does he "free me of blame". He goes further, and looks into the face of his father and says. No, remember, you promised, I did what I went to do and now she is "just", "right" and I claim her as "Valid". It never happened........ Again, and Again, and Again.
Thank you, will never be enough, My Lord.
Wow, deep subject! Is that necessary at 2am?? Well, if you must know I watched a movie with my husband that brought up several old deep wounds and of course got me thinking. Now as I have said they were deep and yes they are sad but I will not make you suffer the details as it's not necessary. Now as this did not affect my husband he of course was able to sleep in peace while I am stuck awake and shaken....which of course brings me to drag all of you into this. Why wouldn't you wake your husband and talk to him about your heart and how it affected you, you ask?? Because, he's asleep, and doesn't get much of it and then we'd both be up which will make us both exhausted tomorrow and you know what?! Why do I have to explain myself to you?! Do you want to know what I think or not?! Man! Okay, now that I need to forgive you for being judgmental and prying lets get back to searching Forgiveness shall we?! ......lol
Okay, so we all know the Bible says to forgive others....
Matthew 6:14
14 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
We are to forgive like he forgives us....got it....so how did he do it???
I ran across this verse in Acts that got me thinking....
Acts 13:38-39 38 Therefore let it be known to you, brethren, that through this Man is preached to you the forgiveness of sins; 39 and by Him everyone who believes is justified from all things from which you could not be justified by the law of Moses.
The word Justified stuck out at me....so of course I went to the dictionary to get the "meanings" of Justified. The first meaning says
"1. To demonstrate or prove to be just, right, or valid:"
This would mean that I would make in my mind the person who wronged me "just, right or valid" Now although they are valid, I can't say they were "just" or "right" in what they did right?? On to meaning two then!
"2. To declare free of blame; absolve"
Depending on the person and act, this can be done....It's not their fault, they had it done to them. It's not their fault, they had a rough childhood. It's not their fault, they were "sick". It's not their fault, they didn't know any better; and so many others we can think of. However, they had free will right? Didn't they "choose" to do this which would make my hurts their blame? (I suppose this would be a good choice for defining forgiveness, right?) Never the less, on to definition three.
"3. To free (a human) of the guilt and penalty attached to grievous sin. Used of God."
(Now the last two have to do with the law and one says something about spaces and printing.... don't belive me?! look it up...seriously!)
Back to definition three. Freeing the person to not have the umbrella of their wrongs hovering over them. This I feel I've done. In my heart of course as it isn't something I can exactly go and talk to the wrong doers about. I can forgive and pray that God releases them of it and brings them peace. That they won't have to be reminded of it. However, they are human, as am I. Eventually something will come up and remind our fleshly brains that this occurred. What do we do then?
I guess this is where we say, we don't need Jesus for the specific moment where sin occurred. We need him for the reminders, we must forgive like he does which begs us to think. He is the God of all time. He must remember the wounds we inflicted on him when he forgives us over the same sin time and time again. And in my case, I have to admit that it's only the memory causing the pain, not the wrong doers repeatedly preforming the act. And there it is...... What a God I have to release me when my sin is repetitive. Not only does he "free me of guilt and penalty". Not only does he "free me of blame". He goes further, and looks into the face of his father and says. No, remember, you promised, I did what I went to do and now she is "just", "right" and I claim her as "Valid". It never happened........ Again, and Again, and Again.
Thank you, will never be enough, My Lord.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
RAIN......
[Here is where I enter in the part that God is still working on the patience thing with me and instead of being a good bible reader and opening my beautiful blue leather bible with my silver name on it I turned to BibleGateway.com]
[I would also like to add in my defense there are several verses that came before the one I chose to share with you all]
[alright! it was only the 20th one and yes I did skim them, okay, but it's still a good verse! lol]
Deuteronomy 32:2
"Let my teaching drop as the rain,My speech distill as the dew, As raindrops on the tender herb, And as showers on the grass."
Now on a day like yesterday when some of us might have gotten a little sunburnt and sweaty at their daughters track meet.....(just me??....well, make it your own then) I can relate to the joy of a shower. How the grass must feel as the rain comes down. I also related to being thirsty as the herb might have been. Either way to read the bible and feel the word touch my soul this way is something I will now think about when it rains. Who else has got a good reminder of happy in the rain?!!!
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