REMEMBERING

                Today is a tough day for me. This morning I was remided of the reality of my situation. Last week on this day, I and many other EMS husbands and wives woke up to the reminder that at any moment our world, our children's world, can be rocked in a way we can't fix. We as an EMS family lost 3 of our own and the life of the person they were trying to save went down with them. I was a witness to the moment family and superiors got the news at Christmas party for these heros. My husband and I sitting together in silence and aching for those families. We left the party early knowing there wasn't anything we could do. My husband knew one of the men on board personally and it hit him pretty hard. We walked past the sea of tears and the faces of shock and I had a very distinct feeling, a knowing, that I was passing through my biggest fear and my very worst nightmare. 

                Growing up, as a daughter of a correctional officer, I knew the drill. My father had been threatened several times and had been on numerous State forest fires with his crew. Some seasons this was hightened but I was very aware that at any time two officers in dress uniform could come to my house. If I was to see them at the door I was to grab my younger brother and sister and take them to the back of the house and keep them back there. I wasn't to explain the severity of the situation but knew what those men meant and I was to keep a good face on till my mother came back there. I knew the life that  these spouses live.  A single parent atmosphere most of the time then trying to integrate their husband and wives back into the family every couple days, for only a couple days, then lose them for half  a week again. Tired and weary from doing life alone, frustrated that they are having to catch the spouse up and figure out what that spouse was up to family time wise. "I'm exhausted, I can't keep doing this alone, he needs to help." At the same time knowing they have worked that last four days for 12 to 24 hrs shifts at a time and they too are exhausted. Then the sinking reality comes in...."I should be glad he came home at all." Growing up my grandfather was a  Fresno Fire Captain, my uncle was with Fresno PD and my father a Peace officer for the state. I had seen this life play over and over.  I didn't want this life. I promised myself I would not put myself or my children through this life. 

                 The truth is these men and women, EMS, FIRE, OFFICERS, these very real life HEROS, sometimes don't come home. Sometimes that face at the door you assume would be your spouse is really their coworker with weary red eyes and a shaking bottom lip. These are not your heros from the comic books. They do not get back up every time. These heros are not the ones from the story books, the good guy doesn't always win. No, these heros are better. They see the threat and truly risk their lives for another. You can say that last weeks helicopter crash was a fluke, it almost  never happens. You can say that their lives are more at risk because an air craft was involved but this is simply not true. We live in a world with human beings, who make mistakes and in high stress situations the risk is higher. My husband, who is a paramedic on a unit on the ground, was twice this month sent to the door of an active robbery with no police on scene because the dispatcher didn't get the correct information from the caller who can't think clearly because they are in a panic. I won't forget to mention a time not so long ago, when he was in the back of a unit alone riding to the hospital with an unrestrained man, who was being put on a phyciatric hold by police and covered in knives shoulders to shins because the very weary police officer on scene forgot to pat him down. If that man couldn't have killed him the look on the nurses face who he was handing him off to could have.  In both instances he had no knowlege of the danger he was walking into. We understand that it's cases like these, that are not uncommon, that put his life at even a greater risk, yet he still goes, and I still send him with a kiss and a prayer because people need help and he really is one of the best people for the job. 

              I have put myself and my children in the same position I swore I never would. I have chosen to live this life with my husband.  After being married and having two small children, when he came to me to tell me that this is what he wanted to do with his life, I could have just walked away. I didn't. My love for him and my faith that God has a plan keeps me here. My faith in God's plan is realistic. It is not so blind that I send him out "knowing" God will bring that hero with deep wise eyes and a joy filled smile back to me. I send him knowing that today could be the day he doesnt make it home and if that's the case God will walk me through it. Notice I didn't use the religious "carry me through it " phrase because "carry" implies that he will lift you up and make it easy and what those wives and children are going through right now is SO far from easy. I pray for them, I pray for us and I ask that if you've read this you take a moment to thank these real living HEROS. Do not forget your E.M.T's and Paramedics when you talk about the cities heros. Don't just look for black, red and green when you hear the sirens and look to see if you can just "go real quick". Look for the men and women in white too, who's lives are just at risk and are here to serve you. As for those families of the fallen three who are living my biggest fear, my worst nightmare, I am so sorry it was you. Thank you for your sacrifice, it's simply not fair. For those who faced this reality head on and still go out there, thank you. And for those at home sending them off....I am with you. 

His Promise...

So I left the house this morning with this deep feeling that I wasn't contributing enough. Feeling that since I wasn't bringing in money, I was not holding up my end in this family. I found myself wishing and plotting some way that I could bring in income so that I could help my husband and lighten his load. Feelings of inadequacy, that I'm not enough and I need to be bringing in money to have worth. This feeling comes often and usually with a panic of "what if's". What if we could be getting the kids into more, what if we run out of what we need, where would we go, what would we do.....
     Then this morning I came across Hebrews 13:5
   
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (NIV)

As much as I always seem to need those last words "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" I had to remind myself of the first part and realize how much I was attacked by the enemy this morning. Money is not my self worth. I am grateful and happy with what we have.

Oh, man, and just now when I tried to find the perfect picture to go along with this....I read the next verse!! I felt these words without even reading them. Thanks Abba.

        So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?"    
                      Hebrews 13:6 (NIV)

I am enough and I do not stand alone.

The Show

        Lots of people see me. I am sorry. I have no idea why it's so hard for me not to attract attention to myself. I realize that sounds vain, or conceited but I assure you it comes from the most humbling, bumbling, trying desperately to be a better person but can seem to make it work's heart. If it makes you feel better, I feel as though it's maybe never the right people who take notice.  Either way, it seems they crawl out of the shadows and out of the alley ways as I pass by....they whistle, they call, they throw insults, they glare....they whisper as I walk by and I can feel the harshness of it on my back. Sometimes they are brave enough to come up to me. They start talking...they tell me how pretty I am, how special, how wanted. For a moment I feel it, understood...maybe even loved, but I know all I have to do is wait. Their words will trip up, they will stumble....and I'll realize...They don't see me. They see who they want me to be and I graciously give them their show. 

          Can you see me? Can you see into the depths of my soul? Can you see who I am even though I don't even truly know that yet? I have been a puppet for so long. The marionette being pulled by the strings...but you...I need you to come up to the stage. To watch the wooden figure hardened from being tossed to and fro. You'll fall in love with who it is, not what it's doing or what it can do for you. I'll see your face, longing to cut the strings and set me free, knowing they are held by something far grander then you can control. I smile and I continue.....because your love gives me the strength to keep performing. 

Delighted in....

         It's official now. I've officially been diagnosed with ADHD and being told I am HD dominate. I really thought there would be more peace, a relief, a closure to it all. It's official, your not making it up! Your not crazy. I thought for sure there would be a weight lifted off my shoulders. I have to be honest though, it still hurt to be told I'm not normal.

        I was diagnosed unofficially over 6 years ago by counselors at my local city college. I was wanting to go back to school and decided to take a learning disabilities test just to make sure nothing would be standing in my way and if so what to do to overcome it. (Learning disabilities run in my family) I didn't see it coming then either. I was thinking maybe some kind of dyslexia cause I had trouble retaining what I was reading. I went home and started researching, anything I could find. I couldn't believe how many of the symptoms I had. There was no denying it once I started looking further. Not only that, but realizing my children were so much like me I have probably passed this on to them! I didn't want them to have the same life struggles I did so I watched them closely, when I could deny it no longer I made sure to have them tested. First my daughter, then my son. After having him tested I was told with it being hereditary it would be good to have a starting point to go back to, so in I went. No big deal. I already know, right?!

      Wrong. It still hurt. Your not normal. No matter how many times I had told myself and my children that this is how we were made, exactly the way God wanted. Determined that this must be true. That it could be a gift, we were special, he needed people like us here and we've been here for centuries. Biblical characters bare striking similarities to us and the bible speaks of how much God loved them. There's nothing wrong with us, we're okay. Then to be told, we're not okay. It's not normal. The weight of responsibility, I've done this to my kids. The hurt that this won't get better, my husband will always have to deal with my airheadedness. At some point won't my funny quirks get old? At what point does he say he can't "handle" me anymore. 

         Then the breaking point. The soft small voice that I hear whispering the same phrase...."Be Still". The tears start to roll. It's him. This is why he always has to say this to me. I'm broken, I'm a glitch he needs to calm. "Be Still". Harder the tears fall. Will he always have to say this to me? Will I ever be better, will he ever be able to fix me? "Be Still. Shhhh." I feel him coming carefully toward me, trying to gain the trust of an injured animal. Why do I have to be fixed, now the tears are angry. I'm not a bad person. Maybe I don't want to be fixed! But what if I'm lost and don't know it, what if I don't realize how horrible I am. What if I needed to be fixed so badly for so long that I don't even realize there's a better way. What if I'm running from him in rebellion. I don't want to be bad, I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to be broken. I'm aching and the tears are flooding now. Fix me! Why would you make me this way. Fix it. "Shhhhh, Be Still."  Breath, pause, peace....I can almost feel his hands on my face, cupping my tear-stained cheeks and lifting my eyes toward his. "Everything I make is good. I formed you in your mothers womb. Why would I 'fix' what I have made? I am God, I don't make mistakes. You are not a mistake nor were you made broken. Made, not to be fixed, but loved. I love you." 

           I am not a mistake. My children aren't a mistake but God loved me so much he wanted more of me and created my qualities in them all over again. To be their own selfs yet carry on the best parts of me, the parts he loved. I am loved. I am worth more. I am okay. We are okay and when he comes for us, we too will be delighted in. 

Wanting to be around me???

So my daughter and I have decided to start having devotions together at 6am every morning. We grab two director chairs, coffee/hot chocolate and a blanket each. I decided that we should maybe start by finding out who Jesus REALLY is. Since we are supposed to be like him, we should probably know who he actually was. The book is John Elderedge's Beautiful Outlaw. We are on Chapter 2: The Missing Essential-His Personality. (yes, I know, Chapter two means we have only done this twice, no judging.) It asks a question "Is Jesus near - or far? Is he close at hand, right here at your elbow or distant and engaged in loftier things?"

       I discuss this with my daughter and I say to her (without thinking of course) "Why would someone put himself in harms way, knowing he would die, for someone he never met and then never want to meet, be involved in or be a part of their lives? I'm not sure I'd die for someone I didn't know, and if I did I must have done it because I loved them and if I loved them wouldn't I want to be around them?" As I said this I started to hear myself and actually understand what I was saying. I know, an odd concept to speak when you have no idea what your about to say or even know what it means but for anyone with ADHD, well, you understand. lol This whole concept brought chills down my being and made my heart ache. I then begin to tell her that God is like the wind, like the air. There are times when you feel the wind strong against you, pushing and pulling you, almost knocking you over. Times when you let it help you get to where you need to go and others where you fight against it not caring that it wants you to go in the opposite direction. Then there are times when you don't feel it at all...but it's there. Air, right there next to you.You can't feel it moving against your skin, but if you look up you see the branches of the trees move just ever so slightly. And I begin to feel it again. the ache in my gut, the warmth in my heart and the chill down my spine. The thought that Jesus, the holy man in all the last supper paintings, in the teaching on the hill paintings and in the reverent pictures of him dying on the cross....that Jesus not only loves me the way religion says but like an "actual person" he wants to just hang out with me. Just to be next to me and do what ever it is I'm going to do. (As I wrote that last sentence just now, the thought occurred to me that he was hanging out with me to do whatever I was going to do and I dragged him to places he may not have wanted to go and because he just wanted to be with me....he went.)

      Wow, I'm so sorry. To think you were standing there the whole time and I didn't even stop to realize.

I have nothing to teach here. No wisdom to give you so you can stop looking for it. This is just the ramblings of my brain realizing and still trying to process that this man, who died before I ever came into existence is still here, right by my side. Going where ever I want to go. Right here at my elbow, simply because he was just wanting to be around me......and you.

The Carpet Under my Feet

Okay, Challenge for today, be aware of the feel of the carpet under my feet.
     
    So as I was getting ready this morning I started to put my socks on and my brain suddenly alerted me that my feet were up against something soft and fuzzy and it squished a little between my toes. I realized that my brain stopped to notice the feel of carpet. Out of no where, there it was, the sensation of carpet that I never notice.
        Then the thought occurred to me, how many times do we say, "I don't know how I got here?" or "I didn't even realize I was going down the wrong path." How easy is it to just pay attention to where we were stepping. I mean REALLY paid attention. So much so that we are noticing what it feels like between our toes. So often these days I'm walking around and not even realizing that I've gone from carpet to tile to concrete because it's my life. Carpet to get the kids hamper, past the tile in the kitchen and hitting the concrete in the garage to get to the washer and dryer. To really be aware of what I'm doing, to be a little kid for a moment and enjoy the carpet between my toes. (I vacuumed it for that purpose right? To enjoy it?!) Would Dorthy have gotten to OZ if she stopped paying attention and walked down the red path?? (side note: where does that lead anyway???)
       Sorry, Focus. My challenge for myself today is to walk barefoot for as long as is socially acceptable. lol Be a kid and really pay attention to the path/ground I'm walking on. How does the carpet feel, the tile and maybe just maybe the grass! Ha!  When was the last time you got little and noticed these things? Come on, Who's with me?!

Wait, you mean I have to do my best everytime, on EVERYTHING??!!

"Yes, love."

That's the only response I could give him.....because inside I was screaming out....

"I know, right?!"

We homeschool my son and and as you might be able to tell from his non filtered response to me asking him to make that legible, he has ADHD. *Gasp*. I know right? What could be worse then to have a son with ADHD but to homeschool him at that?! I must be crazy! I must be a saint!  I must be....knowing exactly what he's going through.
 
   Before you judge my son because I say he has ADHD know your remarks injure me because *gasp* that's right. I have it too. I am in the testing phase for this however, I was already given a diagnoses for at my local college when tested for learning disabilities. It's how I know my son had it and here's another zinger, how I knew my daughter had it as well. (I already hear your words by the way, "feel sorry for that husband" "how long you give that guy till he runs away screaming?!" I get it, it's funny) My being diagnosed is mearly a technicality so that we have a starting point of where to medically trace it back to. Although my suspicions are that my father and brother share in this "gift".

   Wait, what?! Did she just say gift?! Yes, I said gift, because even though I understand my sons exasperation in wanting to rush though this task because he can't keep his mind still enough to focus on writing down one sentence when there are a million other thoughts screaming for his attention and at least half of them are WAY cooler then sitting here doing math....(*breath*)  I tell him it's like a super power.  Yes sometimes we have to work harder to sit still, focus and not be impulsive but no one can come up with a million ideas in a sec like we can. No one can look at a situation and figure out ten different ways to solve it. How many other people can look at a flower and immediately not just think rose but "rose, red, pretty, careful, ouch, fragrant, love, mom, sister, girlfriend, gift and wow" all at the same time. We watched "Man of Steel" the other night and a part came where superman as a young boy is locked in a closet and his mother is on the other side teaching him to focus.....just focus on the one thing you want to and I turned to my husband and said, "yeah, that's what it's like. And one day, I'll have to teach that to him."  Let me clairify, no it is not to that extreme and no I don't believe we actually have "super powers" but I could identify with that boy in that moment and I could relate. I have already been telling my children for years that ADHD is like a super power and this is just a tool I will use....because why? Because there is nothing "wrong" with us. We are not freaks or something to be fixed. We simply need to hone our gifts and talents. We were made this way for a reason and purpose and I believe that with every fiber of my being and in a hundred different ways.  I am discribed as a humming bird, able to seemingly be still yet upon closer look I am going a mile a minute. We are capable of so much more then your average flight. Every part of us moving so much faster then others we are humming.

Forgive us of our impulsiveness, forgive our sometimes lack of filters. When you hear this conversation with my son...
" You should go to the bathroom."
"No I don't have to, my butts not twitching."
"Maybe less loudly next time"

.....know that we are just fine tuning those skills. Realize that somewhere in that is fierceness, intelligence and beauty. We are the silly hummingbirds.