"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter"
Today when the Optometrist smiles at me and says "You didn't have this problem 4 years ago when I saw you....." the joke of I must be getting old came to mind. (I'm sure it came to his mind as well considering that smirk he had on his face when he said it...) Of course, it's fun and games till I get to the car and mull it over a bit. wow, maybe I am getting old. It was with this single thought that I felt this gut fear take hold of my soul. Paralyzing me for a moment until I realized my husband was beside me and if he finds out I'm thinking this he'll never let me live it down. However, for that moment, a rock hit my gut. The feeling where you can actually feel fear fly through your body like electricity. Why am I afraid of getting old? It's not the gray, I'm kinda excited to see what that looks like. Is it the weakness, the fading of my looks? Maybe it's the creepy spots you get on your skin, or maybe the history of family aging illnesses that could take hold of me. No, I'm not afraid of getting old.
I'm afraid of Death.
There it was; I'm getting older which means I'm getting closer to dying. I'm going to die. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but I can see now....soon it will happen. I'm going to have to leave my kids. I won't be able to watch over them and be there for them always. Hopefully I leave after my husband because Lord knows he won't be able to live without all of this! [points to self, smirks and gives small laugh] I will miss out on everything that happens after I'm gone. No more breathing the mountain air, no more smelling the salty sea. No more holding my family close and feeling them up against me. I'm getting old, and I'm basically one foot in the grave. After I get my glasses tomorrow I should just go start plot shopping and picking out my casket......
WHEW!!! Now that the melodramatics are over! lol I'm 30 and 3/4 years old. Why in the world did I ever fear. Even at 90, I am a believer, I am a daughter of the Lord most high. Of what should I be afraid. When I cry out, does he not hear me? When I am done here, is it not his arms I get to run to? {Side note} Do you think anyone dies, falls into the arms of Jesus and cries...."but I wasn't done yet...." Not to say they aren't happy and grateful to be in his arms but as a mother I have to imagine maybe a soul or two, who were leaving little ones behind, crying out to him, "but what about my babies?" (quick prayer that God never has me experience such a thing, that I may find out) Maybe in such an instance you might grieve a little but fear......No. To fear death, I found, would be to say that what Jesus did on that cross was for nothing. The bible said he not only died to break the power of sin but also to break those of us who are afraid of death itself.
Hebrews 2:14-16
New International Version (NIV)
14 Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— 15 and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. 16 For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham’s descendants.
I refuse to fear this, getting old and dying. I am not old and I know this is all silly. However, as I age, as I need glasses, as my injury recovery time widens, I will not fear. I will "own" these glasses, future gray hair and the walker that I will surely put handle bar streamers and a bike horn on. If I give you nothing more, let me leave you with this quote....
"Never fear growing old, there are many who have never had the privilege." Unknown
May I grow so old that I am good and ready to go home.
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