I was diagnosed unofficially over 6 years ago by counselors at my local city college. I was wanting to go back to school and decided to take a learning disabilities test just to make sure nothing would be standing in my way and if so what to do to overcome it. (Learning disabilities run in my family) I didn't see it coming then either. I was thinking maybe some kind of dyslexia cause I had trouble retaining what I was reading. I went home and started researching, anything I could find. I couldn't believe how many of the symptoms I had. There was no denying it once I started looking further. Not only that, but realizing my children were so much like me I have probably passed this on to them! I didn't want them to have the same life struggles I did so I watched them closely, when I could deny it no longer I made sure to have them tested. First my daughter, then my son. After having him tested I was told with it being hereditary it would be good to have a starting point to go back to, so in I went. No big deal. I already know, right?!
Wrong. It still hurt. Your not normal. No matter how many times I had told myself and my children that this is how we were made, exactly the way God wanted. Determined that this must be true. That it could be a gift, we were special, he needed people like us here and we've been here for centuries. Biblical characters bare striking similarities to us and the bible speaks of how much God loved them. There's nothing wrong with us, we're okay. Then to be told, we're not okay. It's not normal. The weight of responsibility, I've done this to my kids. The hurt that this won't get better, my husband will always have to deal with my airheadedness. At some point won't my funny quirks get old? At what point does he say he can't "handle" me anymore.
Then the breaking point. The soft small voice that I hear whispering the same phrase...."Be Still". The tears start to roll. It's him. This is why he always has to say this to me. I'm broken, I'm a glitch he needs to calm. "Be Still". Harder the tears fall. Will he always have to say this to me? Will I ever be better, will he ever be able to fix me? "Be Still. Shhhh." I feel him coming carefully toward me, trying to gain the trust of an injured animal. Why do I have to be fixed, now the tears are angry. I'm not a bad person. Maybe I don't want to be fixed! But what if I'm lost and don't know it, what if I don't realize how horrible I am. What if I needed to be fixed so badly for so long that I don't even realize there's a better way. What if I'm running from him in rebellion. I don't want to be bad, I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to be broken. I'm aching and the tears are flooding now. Fix me! Why would you make me this way. Fix it. "Shhhhh, Be Still." Breath, pause, peace....I can almost feel his hands on my face, cupping my tear-stained cheeks and lifting my eyes toward his. "Everything I make is good. I formed you in your mothers womb. Why would I 'fix' what I have made? I am God, I don't make mistakes. You are not a mistake nor were you made broken. Made, not to be fixed, but loved. I love you."
I am not a mistake. My children aren't a mistake but God loved me so much he wanted more of me and created my qualities in them all over again. To be their own selfs yet carry on the best parts of me, the parts he loved. I am loved. I am worth more. I am okay. We are okay and when he comes for us, we too will be delighted in.
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